i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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