If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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