I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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