fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
