So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
