I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
