I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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