It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
