I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
