I have demons in me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
