i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
