my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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