Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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