you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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