So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
