morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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