I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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