Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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