I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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