at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
