Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
