All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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