Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
