so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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