if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
