Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
