i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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