I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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