I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
