Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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