The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
