I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
