I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
