Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
