I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
false alarm, still single
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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