Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
where are you?
Hypothermia
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
