shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
