just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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