he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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