is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I enjoy the company of your penis
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
