Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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