So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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