I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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