I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
