He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
