I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize