drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
