At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
