there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
