my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
