Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
