Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize