the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
