sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
