John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
