I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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