there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
