I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
